Hey everyone.
Sorry it's been like 17 years since I posted last.
So first things first- about my CD.
I have not had time to work on it much at all...
I hope this ok with you all!
I promise, I will have it to you before I leave!!
Thank you all for being patient with me.
Things have been absolutely crazy in my world lately.
Gearing up to graduate is scary.
But it's also really exciting.
It's weird for me in the sense that it's going to be
quite a different experience than most of my classmates.
While all of them will walk off stage and into the real world
of finding a job, I will be jumping on a plane and heading
to India.
WHAT?!
It is SO crazy to think about.
I mean, do I seriously get to live this life?
I am blown away every single day thinking
about the fact that God wants to use me to be
his hands and feet.
I mean, who am I?
I'm just a weak sauce young adult that's just learning
how to live in the adult world.
I continue to fall into the same sin over and over again.
I sometimes forget to pray for days at a time.
I'm not well-versed in the Bible.
I'm not.....
But then that's just it.
It doesn't matter who I say I am.
It matters who He says I am.
If we were perfect, we wouldn't need the grace of God.
All He asks is that we're willing.
I think so often our society places the idea in our heads
that we won't be able to be effective in witnessing if we're
not well-educated.
But there's one huge problem with that:
The power of our witness does not come from our own
strength and knowledge, but from Christ shining through us.
I don't know about all of you, but this is a huge relief.
I for one am glad that the Lord doesn't have
a list of requirements for us to be able to be used
by Him.
Hey supporters, friends, family, and everyone in between!
Just wanna share a personal testimony of what the Lord has been doing in me lately.
I've been reading a book called Breathe by Nicole Braddock-Bromley. Tonight, as I was reading, a part stuck out to me.
"While I'm encouraging another to open up about his feelings, I picture myself holding a cocoon in my hands. As I listen to the struggle going on inside and show my concern and interest in his story, little by little a breathtaking butterfly starts to emerge, beginning the process of all God has caled him to be."
Right after I read that, I had to grab my journal and write about it. When I was in Belize, a butterfly landed on my knee one day while I was journaling. I wasn't sure what it meant at the time, but I felt like it was important, so I wrote it down. Needless to say, I think it's safe to say I may know the significance now.
That butterfly was me. Or, at least, the me that the Lord wants me to be. But right now and for so long, I've been wrapped in the cocoon, sitting in all the junk that needs to get out but can't. I've been sitting defeated by all the lies that people have spoken over me throughout the years.
So here I stand, knowing that all of the feelings I felt in those moments were real. That just because someone else doesn't understand or want to understand my feelings, the point is that it's how I feel and that's all that matters.
So now I have a choice. I can stay wrapped up in the cocoon for the rest of my life and never experience the true freedom that christ has for me.
OR...
I can give everything over to Him and allow Him to begin a new work in me. I can say, without hesitation, I choose the latter. It might be more difficult at first, but in the long run, it will have been so worth it.
Already the Lord is beginning to slowly and gently remove the cocoon that has been hindering me for so long. Before I know it, I'll be flying freely!
Honestly, not much has changed since the last post.
I'm still extremely busy and half the time can't gather my thoughts.
But that's not what this post is about.
Or not really any way.
I could sit here and be like
"My reality is that life sucks."
Realistically, there are a lot of things on my mind.
And a lot of distractions.
And so on and so forth.
But today I was reminded of a song that
teaches me what my reality could be.
Should be.
Is.
One of the lines says this:
"Your thoughts define me,
You're inside me,
You're my reality."
So what IS my reality?
Do I dare choose to let the enemy win
and distract my thoughts;
causing me only to think of the Herculian
to-do list that is before me?
And yes, I just said Herculian,
which I'm pretty sure I've never said in my life.
OR.....
I could realize that while these things
that are before me are a part of my physical
reality, they're legit NOTHING; and that my reality
in the Father is that, as another part of the song says,
He's closer than the skin on my bones.
He's more real than wind in my lungs.
He's more real than the ground I'm sitting on.
He's closer than the song on my tongue.
HE IS MY REALITY.
No matter what the enemy is trying to pull,
HE is my reality, and it's the only reality that
matters!
Legit nothing else matters.
I am His.
He is mine.
I am caught in a divine romance.
He sees my mind going in a million places
and is constantly whispering
"Baby girl, I'm right here."
Reality is that Satan tries to put chinks
in indestructible armor.
But the reality that he wants you to believe in
is a reality that tells you the exact opposite.
That the armor, after a few dents here and there,
will be destroyed.
Can you say punk?
Dudes, can I get an amen when I say
that the armor of Christ is full proof
against Satan???
In August, two very dear friends of mine are getting married.
From now until May 25th, I will see in my account $107.00 of the money that I make (assuming no new hours are added).
I'm so busy all the time, I rarely get to see my friends.
When I am home on the weekends, it's to play piano at my grandma's church and every so often have lunch with the fam.
I'm sure there are other things that I'm missing.
I can't even begin to explain what it feels like. Parts of me want to scream and cry.
But then there's the other part- the part that really matters. See, I could look at my current situation and say "Umm... yeah. This... sucks. Woe is me" and so on and so forth. But here's the deal.
The Lord has got me.
And He's preparing me for abandonment.
He never promised that it would be easy.
In fact He makes it pretty clear that it will be one of the hardest things ever.
But here's what I do know:
He's fighting alongside me.
Taking in my hurts.
My longing for just a little more time before the realization of what I'm leaving behind hits.
He lifts my burden.
He restores my often weary soul.
Attitude is a choice.
Defeat is what the enemy desires most.
And let me tell ya, he's trying damn hard to break me.
But guess who's trying harder to fight for my strength?
In the moments I feel faint...
He lifts my head and carries me.
Lord, be my everything.
Though now things seem impossible, still I have hope.
I guess first of all, I should start this blog (and maybe every other one after this) by saying that I hold nothing back. I believe that holding back our true feelings is exactly what the enemy wants us to do. So I apologize in advance if I say anything that may offend you. I believe in raw God, and that means straight up, raw posts. I hope you understand.
So.. ever just meet those people that you can't help but think "Holy nuggets, I need to be friends with this person?" That's Nadine.
Nadine is a tattoo artist. I met her when I went with my friend to get her first tattoo. She runs the shop with her son and a few other employees. This woman was awesome.
She told us about her paranormal investigations. Now, before you all get all wigged, let's think about this for a second. Obviously, she's probably got some interesting theories about the afterlife. Conversation starter anyone? I mean, in situations like that, we have two options. Instantly label her as a freak, or engage in conversation with her. Which is more Christ-like?
Needless to say, I have decided that I want to befriend Nadine. And not in a "oh, gotta convert her" kind of way. I feel like that's the reason the Nadine's of this world are so put off by Christianity. Is her salvation important? Absolutely. But I'm not going to get far if I just go in guns blazing and say "Hey, you should probably repent and stop with these paranormal investigations and with your tarot card readings and..." You get my point.
The truth is? I'm actually genuinely interested in Nadine's life. How she got into the paranormal in the first place. When she decided she wanted to be a tattoo artist. What she believes about the future, and so on and so forth. And dudes, this isn't a "hey, look at me" thing that I'm trying to do here. I'm just reflecting on what it actually means to evangelize.
Nadine is just like everyone else in this world- wondering what the meaing of life is. What we have to ask ourselves is what it looks like to engage in relationship with them.
Everyone has a story, and EVERY story matters. And if we don't take the time to listen, shame on us.
Followers, my only hope of this post is that it makes you smile as much as it made me smile. I will try to keep the story short, but want to make sure that I fully reveal the beauty of the Lord within the story.
A friend of mine was facing a difficult situation with finances. There was a deadline to have fees paid by- otherwise it meant sianara (how do you spell that??) to school for the semester. I myself had been in the same situation just last year.
We decided that the best thing to do in the situation was get before the Lord. What I am about to say is absolutely nuts! He totally wrecked the both of us hard core! Here's how it went down:
My friend was going to be guaranteed to receive the money by a certain date. So she emailed the school and we were awating their approval. So let the prayer begin....
1. I called my friend and prayed over her. The alternative to not getting approved lingered in the back of her mind. It would mean a longer time in school, and that she would not be able to go on the trip to Haiti that she has been looking forward to for quite some time now. As she mentioned these things on the phone, I provided weak sauce words of encouragement. End call one.
2. Call my friend back. Two things: 1- I felt that it was the work of the enemy when we were considering the alternative. That he was trying to distract us and cause us to think on the wrong things. So immediately, we came against that. 2- My friend had shared with me a story that came from the book "The prayer of Jabez" about a filing cabinet that stretched for miles, and when the man asked what it was, the Lord responded that they were blessings that he wanted to give out that his followers never asked for.
I was reminded of that story and told her that I felt like the Lord was telling us to focus on asking for his blessing. She was reminded of it at the exact same time I was. End call two.
3. Shot her a text saying "knowledge of the reward is worth the fight," meanwhile she was reminded of an anonymous donation she received that made it possible for her to go to Belize.
4. I randomly found a poem I'd written a few months ago entitled "The Fight." When I wrote the poem, I didn't feel all that great about it. Yet when I read it in the moment.... There aren't even words. It spoke volumes to my friend-- as if it were a poem written specifically for her. I wrote that poem before I even knew her. Coincidence that I found it right then? Hardly.
5. My friend says "I need to let go and let God." Not two days before, I received a journal from a dear friend with encouraging excerpts for the remainder of my days before graduation. The first 3 pages were on letting go. WHAT?!
6. This one may seem silly, but for me, it just proves that God sets things up. This all happened on a Friday night. I felt like a loser that I was sitting alone in my room and considered going to a friends apartment. My roommate was on RA duty. I was meant to be alone that night.
The Lord has been revealing himself in crazy ways lately. And I'm realizing that it's a constant. He's always revealing himself, we're just not listening a lot of the time. We get distracted by the enemy and his lies. That's all he does is lie and hope that we believe him. Well, this kid right here is suiting up, putting on the full armor of God, and entering the battle scene. My God is ALWAYS speaking, he's ALWAYS good, he's ALWAYS searching for us, and he's ALWAYS faithful. No one is going to convince me otherwise.
Blessings,
-The Biz (short for C-Biz, which is what a lot of people call me)
And not a fool for you; only a wolf in sheep's wool.
Rebuild.
Rebuild the life of this broken soul
Return me again to my proper role
Remind me that day that this heart you stole.
Love.
Love of all loves, command me to my knees
Cleanse these cursed hands thinking only of me
Daily remind me, O King of eternity:
Yours are the hands that brought this life to be.
This is a poem I wrote a while ago. Yet it always comes back to me. Lately, all I keep thinking about are the mistakes I keep making. It feels as though I've been slapping God in the face. And so beings the cycle of constantly bringing myself down.
But wait.
The Lord still sweeps in and saves the day. And reminds me that I am loved. That I am on a journey. That my walk is different than anyone else's in the entire world. That though there are bumps and bruises, he sees my heart. And so eventually, as I begin to realize that he loves me despite my mishaps, it is then that my knees hit the floor.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
These chains will not keep me forever.
Little by little they disappear, and He appears brilliantly.
I am His. His are the hands that formed me.
So here I am, sitting in Belize for class. Never thought school could actually be fun. Haha nah just kidding. I am here with my Senior Colloquium class. Basically, it's a class on Christian ethics. It's been wreckin' me in the best way! I wanna share a quote with you all and I hope it speaks to you in some way! It was something that one of the chaperones said during our class on the topic of love. To give a little bit of background, we were basically discussing different types of love, one of them being sacrificial. We defined that in a nutshell as love that is one-sided, in which one individual wholly sacrifices his/herself for another while the person receiving has only to receive. We also talked about whether this was the type of love Christ demonstrated on the cross.
Ok, so with that background, here's the scenario I posed just to see if I was understanding right. Basically, I gave a hypothetical situation in which there was an individual that was constantly being made fun of my a friend, and yet they choose not to say anything to them and just love them anyway because they feel like that is what they are supposed to do. It 's a little different, but it was concluded that it was similar to what we were talking about, and one of the chaperones said this:
God gives us all gifts other than just to serve another individual. A complete denial of yourself is not for the will of God but for another person. If you stop standing up for yourself, you fade into not being anything.
Dudes... this wrecked me. All my life I've been the person in the scenario I gave, and I legitimately thought that I was demonstrating the type of love that Christ would. Yet I've realized that this simply isn't the case. With Christ, love and justice tun hand in hand. If we do not say anything to our brothers and sisters about their actions, then we are enabling disablement. In other words, we enable their behavior to continue, which ends up hurting that individual. Not only that, but but the individual that is being ridiculed begins to fade away.
I am terrified of confrontation, especially with those that I love. Yet I am realizing that it truly is the best option for both parties involved. It is true, yes, that sacrificial love is emphasized by Christ. "Greater love had no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Yet we must be focused on a love that delivers. One that helps bring our brothers and sisters out of what binds them and invite them into loving community.
Hey all! Just wanted to update in a different way this time. So here's a video on what the Lord has been revealing to me lately. I hope you are all doing well and have a very Merry Christmas! Blessings,
Alright. So originally, I was going to wait to post my first blog so that I could make a video, but unfortunately, I haven't had much time to do that. So written shall be my first blog.
For starters, if you'd like to know a little about me, check out my about section. That gives a little insight into who I am and why I am going on the World Race!
So here's the point where I dive into where I'm at right now. Actually, if I'm being literal, I have an exam in 20 minutes. Of course, the good news is, it's not really an exam at all, just turning in a paper :)
Three days from now, I will be leaving for California for a week to do some research on Catholic churches along the coast with one of my professors and some fellow students. I've never been to Cali, so that's pretty exciting.
Then, in January, I will spending the month in Belize for a class. Just a little perspective.. The only place I've ever been outside the states is the Bahamas. So... The Lord is giving me the chance to visit Belize and go on the World Race. Now that's pretty stellar.
But then here's the deal: There's a little voice inside my head (that I know is not my own) saying: How are you going to raise the funds for the World Race when you just paid off Belize and still have to pay for California, plus you're spending a whole month away and won't be able to fundraise?
But it's then that I draw near to my God, he draws near to me, and I am able to boldly say:
Get behind me, Satan.
My God knows what He is doing.
My God is preparing me for things I can't even dream of.
My God is my Father and wants to give me good gifts.
He is my provider.
